My 2016 Musical: How I Sang My Way Through Chronic Pain
Jeremy Ginsburg
From Suffering to Singing
2016 was the year of letting go.
Last year, I wrote a very long 2015 review. It was filled with achievements, ideas, jokes, lessons, takeaways, books, and goals for 2016.
I don’t think I achieved a single one of my goals I set for myself in 2015. I was supposed to finish my book, start my personal brand, get 5,000 YouTube subscribers, and more (start a personal brand, give a Tedx talk, etc).
Now, I can’t look at a computer screen for more than a few hours at a time without needing to lie down and rest. My book is far from being done. My YouTube channel is currently below 2,000.
But for reasons I will soon share with you, I am completely okay with that.
I honestly don’t care about any of those goals anymore. For now, my priority is being at peace. I want to be okay with everything, no matter what. I want to be content with less. I want to be mindful 24/7. I want to have inner peace. And of course, I want to be pain free.
Chronic Pain Changes The Way You See The World...A Lot
This past year of chronic pain has taught me that goals and plans really don’t matter as much as I thought. As my friend, Goldee always tells me, “We make plans, and the universe laughs.”
When I went back and read my review from last year, I felt like I was reading someone else’s words. Someone who is cocky, egotistical, ambitious, and naive. Someone who feels the need to brag and share his life ambitions with the world because doing so will bring him as much happiness as if he were to actually accomplish the goals.
This past year, I suffered a lot. I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe. I grew lonely. I felt ashamed. I felt lost. I became depressed. I even experiences brief suicidal thoughts.
But all of that has contributed to the person I am today, so I still choose to be grateful for all of my experiences, no matter how dark they seemed at the time.
“The truth is, everything will be okay when you are okay with everything. And that’s the only time everything will be okay.” -Michael Singer, The Untethered Soul
The lessons I learned in 2016 were far more life changing than ever. These weren’t lessons I chose to learn, nor were they things I felt ready for. But they were heavy, deep, and eye-opening.
I have learned firsthand how important health is. I have learned about pain. I have learned what it’s like to watch your loved ones helplessly stare at you as you lie in bed holding an ice pack against your forehead. I learned how to be okay with everything (or at least try my best), even when things may not be as I want them to be.
I learned how to let go of control and surrender, not in a “I quit and give up” sort of way, but as a “I accept what is and let go of attachment”.
More importantly, I’ve made progress towards living out my purpose. I have no idea what my purpose in this world is, but I know I’m now closer than ever to realizing it. I’m pretty sure it has to do with music, personal development, and helping others heal.
Playing Through The Pain
In all of this craziness (6 months living at my parents house, over 40 doctors, $10,000+ of medical bills), music has been my backbone. It has kept me sane. I used to play music because I thought it would make me look cool. I could make people laugh and help them escape from their problems. I wanted to be famous.
Now, my music is my therapy. It’s a way to talk to myself, remind myself of certain messages, and hopefully provide inspiration to others. It’s a way to escape whatever pain I’m in and enjoy some peace, even if it only lasts for a few seconds or minutes.
I wrote a lot of new songs this year. Song of the songs are very deep, and even what some insecure people may consider “morbid” or “depressing”. For me, the songs are REAL and from the heart.
The songs are meant to make the listener think about things for themselves. I would love it if my music can help people connect with themselves on a deeper level.
If not, I’m totally fine with it! The music is FOR ME just as much as it is for everyone else. These songs are a product of my pain, experience, and suffering. Each song is like a diary entry, a musical memory of what I’ve been through and what I learned.
So, this year’s review is going to be a bit different than any yearly review you’ve ever read. You will need a pair of headphones because you’ll actually be listening more than hearing.
Instead of telling you what happened, I’ll show you...through my original music.
The truth is, the lessons I learned this year are hard to explain in words, so it's easier for me to express my ideas through music. And the lessons are still pouring in.
Below is a collection of original songs I wrote that take you through my journey of 2016. Kind of like a musical of my life...or a singing review.
If you think you know me, you are probably wrong. I say that because I am still getting to know myself. But these songs will help you understand my life better, just as it did for me. My greatest hope is that my music will also help you understand YOUR life better, too!
***Warning: If you actually want to listen to each song, doing so will probably take at least 90-minutes to consume. I know, that's a long time. Imagine how long it took me to write all the songs and write this post!
My 2016 in Song...
Stuck with a Migraine
January-March, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HfO6-bmPlrM
story: In early January, I met my first doctor, Alexis Shields. She advised me to clean up my diet, stop using my nasal spray, and avoid caffeine completely. While it didn’t help much at the time, she has been extremely helpful over the entire year (even though I’m not paying her for her time anymore...proof that she CARES, unlike MANY doctors). Alexis, thank you so much. My family and I appreciate your help.
Anyway, this is a song I wrote in order to tell my story about my headaches and the things that I tried for the first few months. This was my first original song in while (after over a year!). The lyrics are pretty straight forward :)
Chorus: “I’m stuck with a migraine, it sucks to be in pain (2x)”
Favorite lines: (The last chorus) “I'm cured from my migraines/ I've learned from all the pain”
Cold is my religion
April/May, Minneapolis, Minnesota
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kJpJYKQ6rI
Story: After I flew back to Minnesota, I quickly learned that conventional/Western medicine had nothing to offer. My brother and I both knew about the ICE MAN and his crazy cold experiments. My brother said he would pay for the course (Thanks, Uncle Nate!), so I had no excuse not to. Then, a random comment from a stranger on YouTube put the icing on the cake!
The course immediately made my life easier and less painful. This is a song is one big testimonial for a the online course called the “Wim Hof Method”.
The breathing exercises didn’t cure my headaches completely, but they gave me a HUGE REMINDER of how amazing one can feel with a healthy body. After having headaches for so long, I had forgotten what it felt like to be pain free, and it made me realize that I had slipped down into a dark place mentally. This method gave me hope to keep going and to commit to a long life of healthy habits.
I can honestly talk about it all day long, but I think this song that I wrote will show you how much it changed my life. Honestly, without this method, I wouldn’t even have had the energy to write or record this song in the first place.
Chorus: “Cold is my religion (3x), you can take it or leave it, the ice man will make you believe it”
Favorite lines:
I’ve never held my breath for so long
Or felt so WARM in a cold shower
My mind and body feel so strong
now I know, COLD IS POWER!
I don’t wanna play with pain
June, Minneapolis, Minnesota
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dnuOjaHoHI
Story: Fast forward a few months, and between big doses of marijuana, lots of cold showers and breathing exercises, and a lot of yoga, I stayed somewhat sane. After trying anti-depressants that made me suicidal, I started to grow frustrated with Western medicine and lose hope. Then, a two-night ceremony changed everything.
I wrote the first few lines of this song while at an Ayahuasca ceremony. This ceremony made me realize how lonely and depressed I had been.
This is a song about pain but also about love. After three months away from my girlfriend, I grew tired of the pain and wished that I could trade my pain for her presence. Writing this song made me realize that pain and love are connected, more than I ever thought before.
Chorus: “Pain feeds on pain/ And I don't wanna play that game, I don't wanna play with pain”
Favorite lines:
True happiness requires letting go
Of pain, love, pleasure, and all that we know
The better it feels the tighter we hold on
The more pain we feel when that thing is gone
Unconditional love
July, Minneapolis, Minnesota
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_2M6SUvYik&t=1s
Story: One day, on the way back from a Network Spinal Analysis appointment (I’m still not sure what it is, but it didn’t really help. $600 down the drain, oops!) was listening to a podcast that spoke about self-love and how most of our problems stem from the fact that we don’t love ourselves unconditionally. I mean, we have the ability to love ourselves the same way a mother loves her child, but we rarely give ourselves that kind of love.
I wrote this song as a reminder to myself that no matter what I do, no matter how bad I feel or how much I fuck up, I’ll always love myself. The song is written as if I’m talking to “you”, but it’s really a reminder to myself that unconditional love is ALWAYS available. That goes for self-love, too!
Chorus:
Take my unconditional love
ooo unconditional love
Here’s my unconditional love
like it or not it’s yours
Favorite lines: The best thing about love is the more you give the more you get
I am free (I'll be okay)
July, Minneapolis, Minnesota
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTchDPZblDQ
Story: This song started as a positive affirmation. I got the idea to do a positive affirmation about my headaches from Scott Adam’s book, “How to fail at almost everything and still win big” (this was probably my favorite book of 2016).
For a while, I was reading the chorus to myself every morning. Then, I started getting bored with the poem and turned it into a chorus. Out of that, I wrote some verses and gave birth to this song.
Chorus:
“I am free, free from pain
I am free from everything
if the sun comes out today, I'll be okay
If the sky turns to grey I'll be okay!”
Favorite lines: I need no approval from no body, cuz I’m so content that I am ME
The Psychedelic squirrel
August, Minneapolis, Minnesota
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZfMG0JIkwc&t=2s
Story: I don’t know how to say this without being honest: I experimented with a lot of psychedelics this year (not recreationally). Most of them are illegal in the USA, but they helped me a lot more than the FDA approved drugs. Go look up some documentaries on this stuff on Netflix if want to learn about WHY certain drugs are legal in the USA and why some aren’t. It’s pretty fucked up.
Anyway, one day, my friend was telling me about a crazy squirrel he was watching. “It was some sort of psychedelic squirrel or something” he said.
Boom. “Psychedelic squirrel”, I repeated with a smile. I wrote down the title and knew that it needed to be song. This song is very silly!
Chorus:
“The psychedelic squirrel
Flying tree to tree
psychedelic squirrel
A friend to you and all of the chipmunks and me
the psychedelic squirrel
Favorite lines:
Soaring on a magic maple leaf ride
this whole new world has nothing to hide
Singing sticks and stones can break my bones
And probably kill me because I’m so stoned...
Soulmates with benefits
September, Minneapolis, Minnesota
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXeD9t3s4Wk&t=43s
Story: After six months of being away from girlfriend, I missed her a lot.
The six months we had spent a part were not easy. At one point, we tried an open relationship. Like any experiment, it had its ups and downs.
One day, I was explaining to my girlfriend (she’s Vietnamese) what “friends with benefits” meant. After she understood, she shouted, “No! I don’t want to be friends with benefits! I want to be soul mates with benefits!”
This made me smile inside, and again, I felt the need to write a song about what she had said. Being away from her for so long made me appreciate how much she means to me, as this song suggests.
Chorus:
If it wasn't for you I don’t know what I would do
If it wasn't for you what would I do?
When you hold me tight, I know love is delicate
My best friend with benefits
My soul mate plus benefits
Favorite lines:
Your love potion
has got me swimming in an ocean of oxytocin
You keep me in line and you’re not afraid to shine
I can't explain time but I'm glad you're mine
I Am Pure
October, Phuket, Thailand
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ec38B38CwVA
Story: I flew back to Vietnam (I wrote this emotional FB status from the airport) to see my soulmate with benefits (her name is June), but my headaches were still keeping me in bed for most of the day. At this point I was using copious amounts of marijuana to get through the day and do simple tasks like going out to dinner.
After a 4-day silent meditation retreat, I recorded a video-interview with the mediation teacher, Tobi. When I told him it was for YouTube, he looked on my channel and found some of my funny songs. Then, he told me he had an idea for a song.
“Hey, write a song about being enlightened. Call it “I am enlightened”.
The next day, I wrote this song. I was SUPER excited, so I sent him the lyrics and the video. His response:
“I was joking! The "ME" is not that thing that can "become" enlightened. I meant the song to be a joke.”
It's still a beautiful song and I changed the lyrics from “enlightened’ to “pure”. I still love this song, and it also helped me understand what enlightenment really means. Thanks, Tobi! :D
Chorus:
I am pure I am free
I’m at peace for eternity
Favorite lines:
I love myself no matter what
There are no ifs, there are no buts
I believe in love
October, Phuket, Thailand
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I73vsHVjTM4
Story: After the silent meditation retreat in Thailand, my sister (Melanie), June, and I were all on cloud nine. Filled with energy, we walked to a beach in Phuket, Thailand and brought with us a ukulele so we could play some music.
As we walked in the sand, we heard a man yell in a South African accent, “Ukulele! Ukulele!” and motioned for us to come closer.
He asked if he could play a song, and started singing, “I believe in love.” We ended up having a magical jam session on the beach for a good ten minutes.
After, I told him (his name is Cornelius) I was a songwriter, I asked if I could write verses to the song and make it more complete. That afternoon, I wrote the entire song. The next day, I recorded it and I sent him a draft and mentioned that we could share the rights to the song. His reply,
“What is this I hear about rights and what not? Bull shit, bro! You can’t share the rights to LOVE!”
Chorus: “I believe in love (6 times repeated)”
Favorite lines:
I don't know why there's love
But I don't need a reason
I don't know what I don't know
But I know what I believe in
Hey Mr. Butterfly
October, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hp1ZAzmPTqQ
Story: After the meditation retreat, I realized that the more I meditated, the less pain I felt AND the more song ideas I had. I then made it a point to meditate longer and more frequently. No matter what.
I realized that as long as you stay mindful, there’s a lesson in every life situation. Whenever I find myself in pain, I try to find these lessons. After all, they are everywhere.
I wrote this song based on a fake conversation with a butterfly that I never had. Ziggy Marley’s song “Dragonfly” was a big inspiration for this one.
The song is filled with questions I would love to ask butterflies (or any animal really) to find out more about them, and at the same time, find about more about myself (and humans in general). I am also excited that I managed to squeeze in some French into this song! My high school French teacher would be proud!
Chorus:
Hey Mr. butterfly, why is life so strange?
Hey Mr. butterfly, how can I accept change?
Favorite lines:
Do you remember your first step inside your cocoon?
Did you dream of flying, or surrender to your tomb?
Watching you float from leaf to flower
My monarch, though you've surrendered your power
Jacob Zweig tribute
November, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0y52g3XHZvA
Story: Since 2016 was a year of healing for me, I learned to look for past traumas as well. I tried EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) a few times to see if it would help my headaches. The results were inconclusive (just like many of the other things I’ve tried).
When I was in highschool, my best friend, Jacob Zweig, was murdered. I was 17.
I wrote this tribute a while back and recorded it as a rap with a video montage, but I never really played it or listened to it. Playing this acoustic version really felt good, and even though I cried a lot, it helped me move on from this tragic loss.
Chorus:
Cuz I know one day we gonna share a beer together
Lift our glasses in the air and say ‘cheers’ together
Cruise to cloud nine in third gear together
Reflect on life through the rear view mirror together
Laugh about our problems and our fears together
Chilling thinking ‘bout his life was never clear together
How we wish we could have spent all of our years together
‘Til then nothing I can do can stop my tears forever
Favorite lines: “in the darkness of this agony in my heart you live happily”
It is what it is
November, Mui Ne, Vietnam
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoPyNDOsHzM
Story: I wrote this around 1 AM after I tried to sleep but couldn't. That night, I had performed at Joe’s Cafe, but I was in so much pain I couldn’t sleep. Performing was bitter sweet. What used to give me energy now brought me pain.
Even though I loved sharing my music and interacting with the crowd, the cigarette smoke at bars made me so uncomfortable I needed to sleep and meditate in between sets. This nearly broke my heart.
The song speaks for itself, with deep and personal lyrics about self-reflection and accepting my pain for what it is. At the same time, I started telling myself that the pain was a gift and trying hard to see find the lesson or positive angle.
Chorus:
This may not be bliss but it is what it is
If you resist, it still it what it is
The more I quiet my mind, the more peace I find
My gift, a blessing in disguise
Favorite lines:
Lately I discovered my decisions are conditioned
There's a voice inside my head always demanding me to listen
It's got me questioning the difference between my mind and my soul
Like 'who am I when I surrender control'?
The future isn’t real
November, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9tg-l3Q7qw
Story: Since I’ve been in so much pain, it has forced me to live in the moment. I can’t really make plans when I’m not sure how much pain I will be in.
One of the main principles I learned from a Buddhist meditation retreat was that the past and future exist only in our minds. We can never feel, taste, smell, see, or hear ANYTHING from the past or the future. Once day I was swimming in the ocean in Mui Ne, Vietnam and the chorus just came to me and I started singing it out loud to the waves. A few weeks later, I added some chords and verses and it became a full song.
Chorus:
“The Future Isn't Real, That is how I feel
If you can't smile right now then you never will
Favorite lines:
Who invented the Future, and what did they say
Who lied and said there'd be a time where our current troubles would go away?
Who was the society who invented time, I wonder if they're proud?
Cuz I've never met a moment, a moment other than right now
Dear Self
November, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6igv8Azjrw
Story: This is another self-reflection song I wrote to myself in order to get to know myself better. I truly feel like this pain that I’ve had is a good thing. It has a purpose. Maybe the purpose was to get me to focus on music? Maybe it was to have compassion for the world? Maybe it was to write this post? Either way, this song goes through the internal battle of knowing thyself, especially in tough times.
Chorus:
Dear Self, dear me, I'm trying hard to see
The truth behind the words that I speak
I know you're there somewhere, I'm pretty sure you care
But talking to you face to face has got me, scared
Favorite lines:
If I can't love myself
Why would anybody else
If I can't live with my mind
Where can I hide
Suffering is a Guide
November, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam
**Sorry this video is not yet recorded, but once I record it I will update this post**
Here are some of the lyrics:
Who are we really when we're smothered in pain
Do our persona and values remain unchanged ?
Do our brains function the same? Or do our habits shift
Can we stay true to our ourselves or do we ourselves go adrift
Do we lose some of our muse, if we're profusely sedated
If we feel too berated Do our souls get deflated?
Is the nuisance and anguish there to give us a clue
Or are we choosing discomfort, if so what can we do?
Story: I’ve read a lot about suffering and what each part of the world has to say about it. Each religion and philosophy has its own approach (I prefer Hindu belief, that suffering is a sign of spiritual growth).
One day, I watched a video that explained that suffering is not a bad thing, but a guide, helping us get to where we need to be. I loved the concept, and spent the rest of my morning writing a song about it.
Chorus:
What if suffering guided us to clarity
If pain was a sign of disparity
Between our heart and our mind, and once they realign
We reach infinite prosperity
Favorite lines:
What we feel isn't just an emotion from our heart
It's the difference between where we're at and who we truly are
We perceive each moment through our current emotions
Knowing this truth, will keep your pain aloof
Ice Bath medley
November, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam
**Sorry this video is not yet recorded, but once I record it I will update this post**
Here are some of the lyrics:
If you're feeling lost anxious or stressed
Or you're down and you wanna feel less depressed
Take an ice bath, shibadeeboo
Take an ice bath
If you wanna feel whole and discover your soul
And you're ready to gain wisdom from the cold
Take an ice bath, shibadeeboo
Take an ice bath, the ice is waiting for you!
Story: I fucking love ice baths. They’re probably my favorite drug.
One day, I took a long one and was feeling extremely high. I yelled for my girlfriend to get my phone so I could record myself. For the next 20 minutes as my body warmed up, I sang random lyrics, spoke in Jamaican accents, and yelled out other silly things one would expect while extremely inebriated.
Of that recording, two songs were born. One of them being this silly ice bath tune!
Chorus:
If ya feeling discomfort and it's driving you insane
And you wanna quick way to relieve your pain
Take an ice bath, shibadeeboo
Take an ice bath, or a cold shower too
Favorite lines:
Ice bath, Ice bath it'll make ya laugh
Ice bath, Ice bath, it’ll Cut your stress in half
it's cooler than math!
A True Leader
November, Da Lat, Vietnam
**Sorry this video is not yet recorded, but once I record it I will update this post**
Here are some of the lyrics:
A true leader doesn't need a fancy gown or a crown
A true leader steps up when everyone backs down
He doesn't need to be the hero of the story
He does good for good and not for glory
He always ready to lead his peers and friends
it's the people who decide where and when
You don’t have to hold a position to lead
Everyone is influenced by your deeds
Story: I started writing this song the day Trump was elected. I don’t enjoy thinking about politics, but it got me asking myself what a great leader looks like and does. At times, I feel like I am meant to be a leader. Other times, I feel like I can barely lead my own life, so how can I lead others?
Time will tell, but this song is a reminder to myself of what I believe it means to be a true leader.
Chorus:
leaders are like stars
they rise the most when times are dark
A true leader (2x)
Favorite lines:
A true leader doesn't need a fancy gown or a crown
A true leader steps up when everyone backs down
Cares for others interest more than his own
Stands up for what's right even if he must stand alone
Santa buddha
December, Chiang Mai, Thailand
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldOD5ntEr-g
Story: Since “Rasta Moses” is my most popular tune, I decided to try to write another religious parody. This one is very silly, but perhaps a tad bit offensive. If you are Buddhist, please don’t take offense. I love Buddhism.
Big thanks to my hilarious cousin, Adam, who gave me some amazing punch lines for this song. Perhaps we need to write more songs together!
Chorus: “Santa buddha, buddha santa (3x), Santa boooooooodah
Favorite lines:
Peaceful meditation keeps his mind clear,
It's helps that he only works one day per year
He has only one strict policy
All his gifts are wrapped in tranquality
His mind is silent, he has no plan
His apprentice is frosty the om man
Music is my therapy
December, Chiang Mai, Thailand
**Sorry this video is not yet recorded, but once I record it I will update this post**
Here are some of the lyrics:
Ain't no way to do music wrong
If you can make noise you can make a song
Near, far, horns and guitars
Music heals ours aches and scars
Our happiness ain't set in stone
We don't need a metronome
Just play some tunes and sing along
Relax and leave the rest alone
Right now I feel so blessed to know that
Music is my therapy
Story: Without pain, I would not have written all of these songs this year. There’s some odd relationship with my pain and my music. No matter how shitty I feel or tired I am, I can always play music.
There have been times where I have performed sets with great energy and excitement, engaging the crowd and making them laugh. As soon as I stop singing and step off stage, I’m struck with pain and grow tired immediately. Sometimes I’ve purposely ignored fans because of this.
It’s clear that music is my therapy. This song is a way to explain that!
Chorus:
“No matter how deep the pain
A sweet melody makes me feel sane
Cuz music is my therapy
Favorite lines:
No matter how many things I try
No doctor yet can tell me why
The pain remains inside my brain,
But when I play I feel alive
Bass and treble in my ear
Good vibrations that I hear
A form of art Straight from the heart
That makes my worries disappear
Turning my pain into my super power
So, there you have it. My entire 2016 review told in song. Thank you so much for reading.
I honestly think that my headaches are now my super power. It has allowed me to reinvent myself over and over. And it has been the cause for a lot of new music!
And for all of my friends and internet connections, WOW. Thank you to everyone who has reached out with new ideas for remedies and healing modalities, or for checking in to see how I’m feeling.
Thanks to my family who have supported me this year, emotionally and financially. BIG thanks to my brother Nathaniel for helping out with some of the medical bills. To both of my parents for putting up with me for 6 months, and for my sister Melanie and girlfriend June for taking amazing care of me since moving back to Asia.
And thank you. If you read this, you are supporting my journey.
If you’re interested in keeping up with my musical endeavors and new songs, please subscribe to my YouTube channel. I plan to post new videos every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
I hope you enjoyed reading and listening to this. But more than that, I hope my music taught you something new about yourself.